Descent into Grace

After spending the last four days in bed with the worst flu I have had in years, I feel humbled, depleted and oddly grateful. 

At first I resisted the descent into this sickness with everything I had. I thought, there couldn’t be worse timing. I am leaving for India in exactly one week and the amount of things I need to do to prepare are overwhelming enough when I am feeling strong and clear headed. But to try to tend to the 10,000 details it takes to make a trip like this happen, while feeling the way I did, seemed impossible. 

But, as the days have gone by and I lay in the quiet darkness, dozing off and on, sometimes shaking with chills and sometimes burning with fever, I have begun to see this as a purification of sorts. Physically, I am being forced to rest instead of ploughing through my days on the borrowed energy of excitement and caffeine. In this pause from all the doing I am finding space to feel (and deal) with things I have not had the time to face. 

While I am acutely aware of the persistent pull from the busy world to get back on top of my never ending to do list, ultimately I trust that the things that need to get done will get done. This sickness has given me a chance to come back into real alignment in my heart. To drop back into deep stillness and reroot in what matters most.

Like Innana, leaving behind the magnificent insanity of life to connect with a deeper truth or Dhumavati, sitting on her chariot going nowhere and extracting the undeniable wisdom that comes from disappointment and loss... I too am finding the grace in letting go. Hopeful that this just might be the perfect place to start this journey from.

Kirsten Warner