Some mornings I don't want to get out of bed.
I feel overwhelmed by the fullness of the day ahead of me and heaviness clouds my heart. The demands of motherhood, work, relationship and finances loom over me. Sometimes it's so hard to stay inspired, to stay open, to stay reaching towards greatness when all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and hide from the world.
When I get like this I feel like a whiney little girl. My heels digging into the sand, it’s like I’m being dragged along by life and I am doing all I can to resist. In this place I don’t even want to do the things I know will make me feel better. I don’t want to get up and practice yoga. I don’t want to go out and face people. I don’t want to breathe deeply.
Then immediately I go to a place of self-judgment and criticism. I think that with all of my yoga background and all of my psychological training, I should somehow be better than this. I should always wake up with a heart full of excitement, ready to dive into my day.
I've been resisting my resistance.
I have heard it said many times that the doorway to the next moment is always right here where we are. There are no bad feelings, only our resistance to them. Rather then pushing away whatever is coming up, the practice is to dive into it. Thoughts and emotions are energy, and energy is always changing. If we can simply be present and stay open to what is, then the odds are good it’s only a matter of time before it shifts.
Lately, I have been playing with not trying to change my resistance but instead giving myself permission to feel it completely. At first it was a little awkward, but I have noticed that the more I give in to it, the quicker it moves through.
I still have those days when I wake up feeling like a little girl at odds with the world and I am pretty sure that won’t ever fully go away. The difference is that now I don’t see it as a problem to be fixed. Learning to release my resistance, even to feelings of resistance, I am feeling freer.
The next time you feel yourself resisting a feeling, experiment with letting go of the struggle. You just might you feel better sooner than you could ever have imagined.