Love & Transforming Fear
Yogini Sisters, you were all with me today as I taught this class at the Hanuman Yoga Festival here in Boulder. Though this has been a dream of mine for years, I woke up early this morning absolutely terrified and wishing I could stay in bed and hide. It seemed unthinkable that I could lead over a hundred people in any kind of a meaningful practice and I felt just like Arjuna crumpled, whiny and resistant on the battlefield of the Bhagavad Gita. Here I was, perched on the edge of my dharma and I was too petrified to step onto the field and do what I am here to do.
I was being called to bring the vulnerable and potent energy of the divine feminine into a place that sometimes is content with the pure physicality of yoga asanas and it scared me like crazy. The part of me that sometimes waters down what I do because I want to be liked was bumping up against the part of me that won't stand for anything less than radical truth. My ego was so afraid of its inadequacy that I was literally nauseous and had the chills. So, before the sun had time to rise, I made my way to my alter, shakily lit some candles and tearily began to chant to Saraswati and Durga. I prayed for the support I would need to get through teaching on this day.
At one point, I had the thought that I should reach out to our yogini circle and ask for you all to hold me as I faced my fears and it was at that moment that the most amazing thing happened. I had a mind blowing, heart opening epiphany that will likely change the way I teach for the rest of my life. I suddenly got it that I didn't need to ask for support from all of you as much as I needed to teach as an offering FOR all of you. I knew I needed to show up fully in my life as if it were the greatest gift I could give. I won't pretend to understand why, but the moment I made the switch from worrying about what people would think of me to how can I be of service, I felt completely relaxed. The fear was gone and there was a bodily shift from being stressed out and self consciousness to softening, surrender and deep trust.
Eventually the sun came out and I walked steadily onto the field of my dharma, ready to play. Holding nothing back, I let a much greater force teach through me today. Silently, I dedicated this class to the timeless, shared heart of our circle and watched in awe as the space became infused with light and palpable grace. Friends told me there were moments when they saw women AND men brought to tears. All I know for sure is that everything felt unimaginably magical to me.
I am so grateful to all of you and to the love/light that inspires me daily. A thousand pranams to all of my teachers, especially Chameli Ardagh for serving as a reminder of the inextinguishable beauty and power of the fearless feminine heart.